You can either talk to her, try to come to terms and reach a truce. It’ll take a couple of hours moving around the terrace yelling, lamenting, and apologizing on phone that is drenched in an awful amount of sweat. You’ll probably be a lot worked up to sit and read through the mathematics of Microwave Engineering with only a few hours left for a test that you haven’t studied for at all. A test in which you’d fail yourself if you were grading it. In case, you end up sleeping. You’ll not be awake before 3 because you haven’t slept for so long.

I’d snort a line of coke to keep myself awake and working at this moment.

OR, you can prioritize your issues according to deadlines and continue to read through all kind of drab literature that you have access to and try your level best to avoid this close encounter to death. A back in an even semester will imply you’re grounded for the next summer. At this point, you may decide drop your interpersonal relationship troubles on the to-do list of tomorrow. You’re walking on thin line, as you realize the complexity of the problems you leave for tomorrow are increasingly exponentially.

What would you do?

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Chapter 3 of Fight Club is as hard hitting as it should be. Conversations are weird. Albeit in a offbeat sense of the word, blame my skewed vocabulary that is not dishing out adjectives smoothly enough. I think it is rust. They have a way of getting around you and poking you from places you’re terrified of. Sometimes you’re bent out of shape and continually wondering what is causing the dents.

You wake up at JFK.
I melt and swell at the moment of landing when one wheel thuds on the runway but the plane leans to one side and hangs in the decision to right itself or roll. For this moment, nothing matters. Look up into the stars and you’re gone. Not your luggage. Nothing matters. Not your bad breath. The windows are dark outside and the turbine engines roar backward. The cabin hangs at the wrong angle under the roar of the turbines, and you will never have to file another expense account claim. Receipt required for items over twenty-five dollars. You will never have to get another haircut.
A thud, and the second wheel hits the tarmac. The staccato of a hundred seatbelt buckles snapping open, and the single-use friend you almost died sitting next to says:
I hope you make your connection.
Yeah, me too.
And this is how long your moment lasted. And life goes on.
And somehow, by accident, Tyler and I met.

I have missed on a lot of things. Made them all go unnoticed. I have clang on the frames which need to be cleaned and opened for the world to see. I don’t remember the graphic details of all the accidents that were brought to me. Neither am I stuck to the bizarre sexual frivolity that was up on the walls. People dig in holes for themselves and the others. The tension builds up. I’d never be able to describe the haste of the 9 year old yelling things at that 85 year old when he would have waited 10 years.

Yet, not much has changed over time. India remains a piece of shit amidst all what goes on in Madison Square. People remain the same kind of dicks they used to be. Outlaws are all still banished but no longer afraid. And I hate my relatives.

That is about okay.

Hi,
Blank pages are scary. They represent such sedentary and isolated form of life. The kind I think I would never aspire to have or maybe, who knows. Societal pressure, biases introduced by popular fiction, peer pressure, individual preferences, state of mind and if not all, whom you are with, all of these things working in a grandiose synchronization decide the better part of the pace we assign to our life.
I almost broke up with her, again. This was the case last time in July as well, I believe, when we both were on the verge of breaking up. It was going to happen when we decided to meet at a place near the lake away from the usual crowded places, rather it turned out to be one of the best evening I had ever spent with her. I realize that the pressure to break up was coming from my side back then, I tried really hard to remember last evening but couldn’t manage to think of the reasons that led to that. Looking back though made me realise the fragility of the bond we share and how short-sighted we have turn out to be.
You can blame me as the root cause of the current stress. The situation is still a lot more chaotic than usual. Last evening I was almost sure that indeed I have gone through a break up when she didn’t respond to my messages on whatsapp. There was a call I had missed from her in the evening and I tried calling her back later only to find the fine lady busy in something when she promised to call me back. She has her college’s cultural festival coming next week. Turned out it was 2 AM soon and I still hadn’t heard from her.

It is comical to think that I would have found people who cry about getting hurt and get sentimental about exes a laughing stock just a day ago. Yet, I cannot still come to terms with that notion that I and her will not be together forever. It did not take me long to break into tears the day before yesterday on the phone. People say it is the phase when you are blaming yourself while swimming into self-pity asking yourself what really went wrong. I thought I would never ever let go of her.
It was my doctrine that I have a life separate from the life I have with her. That it may still mean fun when we aren’t together. Double standards or what not, I now observe myself dive into jealousy looking at her having fun. She is a kind of person who leaks life, happiness and good things when she gets much of it. For me, I think, the idea of fun would be to watch her alone without friends begging to get out of the place she is at in her life. That will apparently make the sadist me happy. Its such a shame. I want to get rid of this monster if I might ever confuse him for the rest of me.

That thought might have been exaggeration but I kind of feel the need to outdo her in various aspects of life. As if I am a part of a race. Be it academics, knowing stuff, friends, life experiences, etc. That is in fact really disgusting even for me that I will think in this manner. This applies not only to her(apparently more to her since I know about her life more as well) but to just everyone. My standard thought process deviates to “Darn, why am I not him?” when a friend talks about his accomplishment(s). I do not get awed at the achievements of an Indian the same way I would be those by any white person. There’s a hierarchy I have in mind that places people I know way down below the heap. I only confess this with a hope to throw it away as soon as I can. It doesn’t make me happy to think of world this way.
I resist talking about the state of our relationship either since it will undeniably make me feel worse. I now realise how brave she must have been to deal with my utterly indifferent attitude at times and not break down. There were days in February when I didn’t have phone for some 15 days and that brought down how much we talked drastically. I wasn’t there with her on Valentine’s day either. Had I tried I could have been in Udaipur on 14th since exams ended on 13th. It was not very uncommon for me to not turn up at places and cancel our meeting plans often whenever I was in Udaipur. I did not treat her the way I ask to be treated now either.

Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene

Getting better

This may be high on the scale of confirmation bias, but the only attempt I see coming from my side was being up till late to talk to her, be it exams, classes or illness. You would fall short to imagine the magnitudes of happiness i got as I described my day to her. She was often the only reason for my frequent trips to home.
She had to call me between classes a few hours ago to let me know that she was immensely busy last night after I sent her a cold greeting on whatsapp. I am tempted to refer to the entry about breakups in Stuff White People Like as I write here to find & collect pieces of me after the great emotional tsunami has washed almost everything ashore. She once told me of her skepticism of investing into our relationship out of the fear that it might not hang on for really long. Everyone keeps on saying that long distance relationships do not work. Alas, we continue to be together. Currently holding onto the excitement to meet her.

Been a while I talked about us. We’ve been a happy bunch at each of our separate places. A little disconnected and alienation in the air. The silences now breath of uncertainty and more often reeking of the failure from my end.
My Phone operator further makes the matter worse but making sure we can’t hear each other properly for more than a minute. There is really not much to be said here. Not much to be said because of the sheer lack of time and synchronicity between us.

whatislove
It is the point when the concepts that are much lauded by the masses today fade into something very much less tangible. From my vantage point, I do not see much of a progress being made in the emotional bond that we share. Not that it is a bad thing. Maybe it has reached saturation. Yet all this between us seems to be growing into a form of life. I adore her just as much, probably more now that she is making tremendous efforts into things she wanted to excel in. Her determination and the spirit of exploration never fails to cheer me up.
Often I feel bad about not taking first steps towards betterment. A gift certainly will do much good.

I talked to her just a few minutes ago and she was very much concerned about what all goes into her college’s confession pages. The behaviour on such facebook pages is not very surprising if you take note of the set of people who are most likely to post to such pages and the general theme of the posts entertained by the targetted audience of such media. Add teenage angst, the entire hysteria of college experience, magnified sexuality on campus, and the general thought process that pervades through the society to the mix for clarity.
A lot of her concerns are way too obvious. I get it that objectification is bad. It should be stopped and you did your part by letting everyone know it. I know that you would love to hear people compliment someone on the things that they weren’t born with. Yet, it goes both ways. You’d see a bunch of guys bitching about how money and girls and that very often turns into an awfully winded conversation about how girls are always behind the money. There have been and will always be people who do not want to follow the standard procedures and put fair play into practice. There is a world outside your campus that is much fun to explore as well, with all kinds of people stuck at their places who do not think at all like each other.
We do not exist in vacuum. It is hard to let go of the prejudices that many of us are born into. So much that we are rarely conscious that how sexist it is think of women as women and not half of the human population. Its just one chromosome, and that really does not make all that difference that many out there in their head think it does.

I do not expect all my advices will be considered, even fewer to be actually realized. Yet it is blatantly rude and annoying to be asking for it when you have been repeatedly ignored them or just loose interest in topic in the middle of the conversation. I do not claim to be anyway better off than you are, infact you know the realities better. Neither do I claim to know everything, that’ll be a silly thing to even assume.

works
Do not expect me to fix your problems, I know you do not. I can not.
Infact, from now on I am going to be stop taking things seriously thinking you need help and just shut the fuck up.
I cannot help it when you want to do *something* without making an effort. You think it is too boring to actually do things all by your own but do not consider the fact that being an average teenager that you are it is so fucking easy to find peers just like you, even better when you do not have any esoteric interests. Fretting all month that you have to do something won’t get anything done, it hasn’t ever.
You tell me you are learning guitar, but it gets too lonely.
Join the music club in the city, all youngsters come together every week at this hippie destination that serves some food and drinks to jam. Ofcourse, you cannot go there without making an effort by yourself to try and learn guitar.
But then you jump on some other reason why your life sucks without even responding to the idea and then ask the same thing again next week hoping I’ll be responsive.
I even know it is not all true and you hear me perhaps even better than me and it gets boring to hear so much but I had to write this to vent out my frustration. It is one of those things I had to part with. I do not have a problem, it won’t be fair to think that life or relationship owes us happiness(it does maybe but you know, every wants to be happy yet it won’t be called happiness if you’re that way all the time)
It is now a few hours since I had this conversation, I am not sure what caused the annoyance.
I miss you.

I swear I do not write out of disappointment. But right from today’s morning, I have been spending time on things that are somewhat summonsing. It has to do with her. Yes. I probably should publish more about the fun we have had, and how much I like being with her but that is not compelling enough to be noted down right at the moment.
You see, to me, writing things down is channeling my experience into computer is a way to empty things from where they should not be. The moments I cherish are the last things I would want to loose, I see the ingrained paradox in it but there it is. Perhaps life will be happier if I censored it a little more for the rest of the mindless audience in me in any of the four dimensions. Whatever happens, happens for a reason.

five ever
She wants to meet me, or more precisely go out for a movie. To which I have no objections per se, but the fact that I lie to my parents every time I go out with her makes me uncomfortable living in a closet. Perhaps, we can all use a little more openness. There are still a few issues which need to be addressed as they exist on the table(order doesn’t matter):

1. Fiscal anxiety: Being together with someone directly implies an agreement on one or both parts to compromise their lifestyle and live one that is more or less a conglomeration of the two. It is for that fact that my expenses have gone up severely, I do not understand at all the need to pay 140 rupees for a bowl of really mediocre noodles or 80-something for two scoops of butterscotch ice cream. I am more infuriated for being a consenting party in such transactions where it is no more than shallow pretentiousness that I hide inside. Paying 150 bucks for playing 10 rounds at the bowling alley is the definition of insanity, worn on the fact that I don’t own these currency bills and have not even got started being capable of being handed over these. There is infuriation over the fact that going out with her everyday will drain it faster than anything.

2. Lies: I deal with a lot of lies. Many incessant and needless, it has become a compulsive habit. The one that involves my parents and her is disappointing. Maybe I do not need to, perhaps I can at least tell them about her existence, I still fear that will bring unnecessary interference and hence stress that cannot be taken back.

3. Social intolerance: This is not about how intolerant society made up of conservative principles is. It yet has to do with the kind fo environment people provide for their kids to grow up in, be a little cool old people. I have a friend whose parents are so far the most liberal I personally know of.
Perhaps there would be more but I have ran out of the mood I started writing in, points 2 and 3 were written after a gap of 2 or so hours since I started. The Prestige demands a rewatch. I should reiterate that this still does not make her any less incredible, for as far as I can see she has pushed away these problems very much for me as well. Sometime I would thank her for making me a part of another life. The best we can do is brush ourselves up a little more. It won’t be disappointing.

“Why do I fall in love with every girl who gives me the least bit of attention?”

93656358

Love is such a cliched thing to talk about, the conglomeration of mushy feelings and chemical X. Although we must and for that I’ll begin talking about the person I met today. She was such a grace for the time we were talking. Her smile appearing as a new semi-transparent layer in the background so often now. Still, pursuing the issue further it seems to have a rather fuzzy or perhaps even blunt end. There is no mystery about who she is, where she came from, about her opinions. The wonderful person she appeared to be, awing us all with her effortlessness, I sit here now trying and hoping to be a better person. It is the process of meeting new people that is so liberating and makes you live more in the world, explore it a little more. There’s your love waiting for you around the corner. Be nice, be informed, get better. There, I’m smiling like an idiot again.

We live 500 km apart. It will be rare to find a day in week when we won’t talk, about the world, slices from our life, people and events, though, lately it had been the emotional custard of sentences drawn from Archies cards that the cell phones towers had to transmit.

image

So, this day, I got the call from her just as I had survived another dinner at Hostel. Regular call, everyday thing. She took a sabbatical to study a bit more than how much she already had in High School, now she spends her average day between the half-day long sleeps and day-long classes. I ask her that she should send me a few problems from each of the three subjects every week as in a Problems of the Week thing.

That perhaps triggered the clusterfuck switch somewhere. “Didn’t I used to send you questions?” she retorted. As a matter of fact, she did. About some 4-5 months ago hoping I could help her on some questions she would be stuck at, atleast that was what I made out of them. The obvious intent of replying correctly as soon as possible left me with the obvious use of Wolfram|Alpha or any other kind of assistance internet can speed up things bypassing the factor that can slow things down, I trying to understand the material first. The frequency of her questions dropped slowly after  I couldn’t either do a few of them or reply in certain time.

Back to the phone call, she further went trying to convince me to study for AIEEE. I was puzzled by what was happening already. One obviously won’t ask someone else for questions,

  1. Without reading the text first.
  2. Without doing a few problems himself.

In India, whenever you’re doing either of those two things, you’re studying. The act of asking for questions from someone close to you whom you’ll think you won’t be liable to is either

  1. doing it for fun.
  2. thinks he has to catch up on a lot of things

Since, I will be spending time with these problems for whole one week. I can read up the text from the questions which are new to me. And even be okay about some problems at the end of the week which I couldn’t do. Predominantly though, it was about spending time with some interesting problems.

image

What followed on the phone call was an pseudo-intense exchange of empty statements at each other back-and-forth. Telling me I might get into <insert college name here> this time and ultimately telling me she doesn’t have time.

I cannot stare at the screen for long. My head is filled with a series of I-don’t-knows, each one tagged to plentiful of question unseen to my eyes. We only talked about taking a break as she called it, fuck, nothing ever happened between us. It was all talking; as such I don’t regret it nor do I yawp but talking for a hour over the phone everyday will not be realistic for long. Even if it’ll be, I cannot afford it. I am not being rude, probably a jerk though yet I would insist she deserves better.
Why don’t I simply talk about what is bothering me? Right, it is the easiest way to let it out. Talk about it, we were in a relationship for like 2 months or something and never even kissed each other. Talk about touching hands or the the perverted bullshit, nope. We were, shit, are… fuck, the most socially awkward couple for we did not do anything even in a closed room, yes complete privacy.
I am being influenced wrongly. There are issues to be settled. First of this fagness thing, it does not goddamn exist. Talking about things like relationship, and other things which are kept in the terroteries of gaydome, first there is no dome of the gay and secondly, it is okay to bring them up. For it will be only after bringing them up you’ll be able to get them out of your head.
Ok, I will be honest. No lies. Relationship has to do with our bodies. I expect the touch of her tongue, I expect proximity and it is not at all irrational for me to want to be with her. Probably that is what the hindrance was, I didn’t get the reason she put. I would confess we never really talked about it, at all. Only ever postponing it on our future-selves. She doesn’t think we should meddle in such things for her parents will not like it. I don’t have a problem with it although what is irksome is to not being able to stop yourself about thinking about these things.
They won’t be the only thing in my mind but, in some dark corner I am thinking about it and I cannot deny it for very long. She is nice, hell, she is the most wonderful person I ever met. Oh god, have you seen her legs, I must be gay for the time I did not notice them. The most beautiful thing about her is that even her legs isn’t the best thing she has. Her determination makes me jealous, how she will make every single effort to get the thing she went after.
A conversationalist, she always will have a ton of things to talk about and will even listen to me for hours at stretch. It must have been a million times I have though how not great I am for her. She makes me feel great. I feel guilty for wanting fullfillment of my carnal desires from my favorite human being. I want to hold her in my arms and never let them go. I couldn’t move any further because I was aware that I am not as bold as her.
Seriously, here is a girl I have known for over about 1 year, we have exchanged countless messages over emails, facebook and numerous hours over the phone, she has told me about everything and then the only flaw, if I am alllowed to define it so, I could find in this pretty soul was that she would end every sentence with a exclamation mark. That is not really an offence. I never told her this because I was afraid she’d stop doing so for it puts a smile on my face every single time I am reading her. I read every single sentence with excitement, something the brain has gone hardwired to do for any sentence with exclamation mark. We part our ways for all the things I didn’t do right, I wasn’t getting anywhere and yet dragging her with me. She can do wonders if let free, she can, you wouldn’t believe.
It ended because I suck and the thought about her doing the same crossed my mind. I would think it is wrong for I haven’t talked to her about it. Wrongs must not be lived with.

I don’t understand where does marriage come into everything. For one, we have merely stepped into adulthood. We barely know about the way things work, much less about ourselves, have a whole life full of stuff never planned for onto us, myriad connections to be forged, so many people to meet, if not so many relationships to be had. I find the whole idea of getting tax befits from a certificate to have sex a lot funny.

I might as well mention the huge amount of sex to be had, no offence. Not that I understand why would anyone take offence in that but just in case you do.

I am not saying that I shall never espouse. It is only the idea of thinking ahead at such a great distant that irritates me.Live your life as is, wherever you are for, who knows where it might land you tomorrow? Lord, that kind of cliched stuff is something I’d like to avoid.