Hi,
Blank pages are scary. They represent such sedentary and isolated form of life. The kind I think I would never aspire to have or maybe, who knows. Societal pressure, biases introduced by popular fiction, peer pressure, individual preferences, state of mind and if not all, whom you are with, all of these things working in a grandiose synchronization decide the better part of the pace we assign to our life.
I almost broke up with her, again. This was the case last time in July as well, I believe, when we both were on the verge of breaking up. It was going to happen when we decided to meet at a place near the lake away from the usual crowded places, rather it turned out to be one of the best evening I had ever spent with her. I realize that the pressure to break up was coming from my side back then, I tried really hard to remember last evening but couldn’t manage to think of the reasons that led to that. Looking back though made me realise the fragility of the bond we share and how short-sighted we have turn out to be.
You can blame me as the root cause of the current stress. The situation is still a lot more chaotic than usual. Last evening I was almost sure that indeed I have gone through a break up when she didn’t respond to my messages on whatsapp. There was a call I had missed from her in the evening and I tried calling her back later only to find the fine lady busy in something when she promised to call me back. She has her college’s cultural festival coming next week. Turned out it was 2 AM soon and I still hadn’t heard from her.

It is comical to think that I would have found people who cry about getting hurt and get sentimental about exes a laughing stock just a day ago. Yet, I cannot still come to terms with that notion that I and her will not be together forever. It did not take me long to break into tears the day before yesterday on the phone. People say it is the phase when you are blaming yourself while swimming into self-pity asking yourself what really went wrong. I thought I would never ever let go of her.
It was my doctrine that I have a life separate from the life I have with her. That it may still mean fun when we aren’t together. Double standards or what not, I now observe myself dive into jealousy looking at her having fun. She is a kind of person who leaks life, happiness and good things when she gets much of it. For me, I think, the idea of fun would be to watch her alone without friends begging to get out of the place she is at in her life. That will apparently make the sadist me happy. Its such a shame. I want to get rid of this monster if I might ever confuse him for the rest of me.

That thought might have been exaggeration but I kind of feel the need to outdo her in various aspects of life. As if I am a part of a race. Be it academics, knowing stuff, friends, life experiences, etc. That is in fact really disgusting even for me that I will think in this manner. This applies not only to her(apparently more to her since I know about her life more as well) but to just everyone. My standard thought process deviates to “Darn, why am I not him?” when a friend talks about his accomplishment(s). I do not get awed at the achievements of an Indian the same way I would be those by any white person. There’s a hierarchy I have in mind that places people I know way down below the heap. I only confess this with a hope to throw it away as soon as I can. It doesn’t make me happy to think of world this way.
I resist talking about the state of our relationship either since it will undeniably make me feel worse. I now realise how brave she must have been to deal with my utterly indifferent attitude at times and not break down. There were days in February when I didn’t have phone for some 15 days and that brought down how much we talked drastically. I wasn’t there with her on Valentine’s day either. Had I tried I could have been in Udaipur on 14th since exams ended on 13th. It was not very uncommon for me to not turn up at places and cancel our meeting plans often whenever I was in Udaipur. I did not treat her the way I ask to be treated now either.

Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene

Getting better

This may be high on the scale of confirmation bias, but the only attempt I see coming from my side was being up till late to talk to her, be it exams, classes or illness. You would fall short to imagine the magnitudes of happiness i got as I described my day to her. She was often the only reason for my frequent trips to home.
She had to call me between classes a few hours ago to let me know that she was immensely busy last night after I sent her a cold greeting on whatsapp. I am tempted to refer to the entry about breakups in Stuff White People Like as I write here to find & collect pieces of me after the great emotional tsunami has washed almost everything ashore. She once told me of her skepticism of investing into our relationship out of the fear that it might not hang on for really long. Everyone keeps on saying that long distance relationships do not work. Alas, we continue to be together. Currently holding onto the excitement to meet her.

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