Archives for the month of: October, 2013

Hi,
Blank pages are scary. They represent such sedentary and isolated form of life. The kind I think I would never aspire to have or maybe, who knows. Societal pressure, biases introduced by popular fiction, peer pressure, individual preferences, state of mind and if not all, whom you are with, all of these things working in a grandiose synchronization decide the better part of the pace we assign to our life.
I almost broke up with her, again. This was the case last time in July as well, I believe, when we both were on the verge of breaking up. It was going to happen when we decided to meet at a place near the lake away from the usual crowded places, rather it turned out to be one of the best evening I had ever spent with her. I realize that the pressure to break up was coming from my side back then, I tried really hard to remember last evening but couldn’t manage to think of the reasons that led to that. Looking back though made me realise the fragility of the bond we share and how short-sighted we have turn out to be.
You can blame me as the root cause of the current stress. The situation is still a lot more chaotic than usual. Last evening I was almost sure that indeed I have gone through a break up when she didn’t respond to my messages on whatsapp. There was a call I had missed from her in the evening and I tried calling her back later only to find the fine lady busy in something when she promised to call me back. She has her college’s cultural festival coming next week. Turned out it was 2 AM soon and I still hadn’t heard from her.

It is comical to think that I would have found people who cry about getting hurt and get sentimental about exes a laughing stock just a day ago. Yet, I cannot still come to terms with that notion that I and her will not be together forever. It did not take me long to break into tears the day before yesterday on the phone. People say it is the phase when you are blaming yourself while swimming into self-pity asking yourself what really went wrong. I thought I would never ever let go of her.
It was my doctrine that I have a life separate from the life I have with her. That it may still mean fun when we aren’t together. Double standards or what not, I now observe myself dive into jealousy looking at her having fun. She is a kind of person who leaks life, happiness and good things when she gets much of it. For me, I think, the idea of fun would be to watch her alone without friends begging to get out of the place she is at in her life. That will apparently make the sadist me happy. Its such a shame. I want to get rid of this monster if I might ever confuse him for the rest of me.

That thought might have been exaggeration but I kind of feel the need to outdo her in various aspects of life. As if I am a part of a race. Be it academics, knowing stuff, friends, life experiences, etc. That is in fact really disgusting even for me that I will think in this manner. This applies not only to her(apparently more to her since I know about her life more as well) but to just everyone. My standard thought process deviates to “Darn, why am I not him?” when a friend talks about his accomplishment(s). I do not get awed at the achievements of an Indian the same way I would be those by any white person. There’s a hierarchy I have in mind that places people I know way down below the heap. I only confess this with a hope to throw it away as soon as I can. It doesn’t make me happy to think of world this way.
I resist talking about the state of our relationship either since it will undeniably make me feel worse. I now realise how brave she must have been to deal with my utterly indifferent attitude at times and not break down. There were days in February when I didn’t have phone for some 15 days and that brought down how much we talked drastically. I wasn’t there with her on Valentine’s day either. Had I tried I could have been in Udaipur on 14th since exams ended on 13th. It was not very uncommon for me to not turn up at places and cancel our meeting plans often whenever I was in Udaipur. I did not treat her the way I ask to be treated now either.

Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene

Getting better

This may be high on the scale of confirmation bias, but the only attempt I see coming from my side was being up till late to talk to her, be it exams, classes or illness. You would fall short to imagine the magnitudes of happiness i got as I described my day to her. She was often the only reason for my frequent trips to home.
She had to call me between classes a few hours ago to let me know that she was immensely busy last night after I sent her a cold greeting on whatsapp. I am tempted to refer to the entry about breakups in Stuff White People Like as I write here to find & collect pieces of me after the great emotional tsunami has washed almost everything ashore. She once told me of her skepticism of investing into our relationship out of the fear that it might not hang on for really long. Everyone keeps on saying that long distance relationships do not work. Alas, we continue to be together. Currently holding onto the excitement to meet her.

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Been a while I talked about us. We’ve been a happy bunch at each of our separate places. A little disconnected and alienation in the air. The silences now breath of uncertainty and more often reeking of the failure from my end.
My Phone operator further makes the matter worse but making sure we can’t hear each other properly for more than a minute. There is really not much to be said here. Not much to be said because of the sheer lack of time and synchronicity between us.

whatislove
It is the point when the concepts that are much lauded by the masses today fade into something very much less tangible. From my vantage point, I do not see much of a progress being made in the emotional bond that we share. Not that it is a bad thing. Maybe it has reached saturation. Yet all this between us seems to be growing into a form of life. I adore her just as much, probably more now that she is making tremendous efforts into things she wanted to excel in. Her determination and the spirit of exploration never fails to cheer me up.
Often I feel bad about not taking first steps towards betterment. A gift certainly will do much good.

I talked to her just a few minutes ago and she was very much concerned about what all goes into her college’s confession pages. The behaviour on such facebook pages is not very surprising if you take note of the set of people who are most likely to post to such pages and the general theme of the posts entertained by the targetted audience of such media. Add teenage angst, the entire hysteria of college experience, magnified sexuality on campus, and the general thought process that pervades through the society to the mix for clarity.
A lot of her concerns are way too obvious. I get it that objectification is bad. It should be stopped and you did your part by letting everyone know it. I know that you would love to hear people compliment someone on the things that they weren’t born with. Yet, it goes both ways. You’d see a bunch of guys bitching about how money and girls and that very often turns into an awfully winded conversation about how girls are always behind the money. There have been and will always be people who do not want to follow the standard procedures and put fair play into practice. There is a world outside your campus that is much fun to explore as well, with all kinds of people stuck at their places who do not think at all like each other.
We do not exist in vacuum. It is hard to let go of the prejudices that many of us are born into. So much that we are rarely conscious that how sexist it is think of women as women and not half of the human population. Its just one chromosome, and that really does not make all that difference that many out there in their head think it does.