I cannot stare at the screen for long. My head is filled with a series of I-don’t-knows, each one tagged to plentiful of question unseen to my eyes. We only talked about taking a break as she called it, fuck, nothing ever happened between us. It was all talking; as such I don’t regret it nor do I yawp but talking for a hour over the phone everyday will not be realistic for long. Even if it’ll be, I cannot afford it. I am not being rude, probably a jerk though yet I would insist she deserves better.
Why don’t I simply talk about what is bothering me? Right, it is the easiest way to let it out. Talk about it, we were in a relationship for like 2 months or something and never even kissed each other. Talk about touching hands or the the perverted bullshit, nope. We were, shit, are… fuck, the most socially awkward couple for we did not do anything even in a closed room, yes complete privacy.
I am being influenced wrongly. There are issues to be settled. First of this fagness thing, it does not goddamn exist. Talking about things like relationship, and other things which are kept in the terroteries of gaydome, first there is no dome of the gay and secondly, it is okay to bring them up. For it will be only after bringing them up you’ll be able to get them out of your head.
Ok, I will be honest. No lies. Relationship has to do with our bodies. I expect the touch of her tongue, I expect proximity and it is not at all irrational for me to want to be with her. Probably that is what the hindrance was, I didn’t get the reason she put. I would confess we never really talked about it, at all. Only ever postponing it on our future-selves. She doesn’t think we should meddle in such things for her parents will not like it. I don’t have a problem with it although what is irksome is to not being able to stop yourself about thinking about these things.
They won’t be the only thing in my mind but, in some dark corner I am thinking about it and I cannot deny it for very long. She is nice, hell, she is the most wonderful person I ever met. Oh god, have you seen her legs, I must be gay for the time I did not notice them. The most beautiful thing about her is that even her legs isn’t the best thing she has. Her determination makes me jealous, how she will make every single effort to get the thing she went after.
A conversationalist, she always will have a ton of things to talk about and will even listen to me for hours at stretch. It must have been a million times I have though how not great I am for her. She makes me feel great. I feel guilty for wanting fullfillment of my carnal desires from my favorite human being. I want to hold her in my arms and never let them go. I couldn’t move any further because I was aware that I am not as bold as her.
Seriously, here is a girl I have known for over about 1 year, we have exchanged countless messages over emails, facebook and numerous hours over the phone, she has told me about everything and then the only flaw, if I am alllowed to define it so, I could find in this pretty soul was that she would end every sentence with a exclamation mark. That is not really an offence. I never told her this because I was afraid she’d stop doing so for it puts a smile on my face every single time I am reading her. I read every single sentence with excitement, something the brain has gone hardwired to do for any sentence with exclamation mark. We part our ways for all the things I didn’t do right, I wasn’t getting anywhere and yet dragging her with me. She can do wonders if let free, she can, you wouldn’t believe.
It ended because I suck and the thought about her doing the same crossed my mind. I would think it is wrong for I haven’t talked to her about it. Wrongs must not be lived with.